Sigh...

This past week has been horrible for getting back on track.

On the other hand, it has been good in other ways.  One, I made a decision regarding a friend that I think was absolutely the right thing to do.  I don't need to really go into it, as it is no huge deal, but I just know that I made the right decision.  I feel good about the whole thing, and karma has already patted me on the back.

So, tomorrow the struggle begins anew. 

Sigh...

Physical Challenges

So, at the beginning of the year when I started dropping weight, one of the main reasons I did that was because my back hurt.  Constantly.  Not just "oh, my back is sore", but more like a "glowing hot barbed poker through my soul" kind of hurt.  I was unable to walk more than just a few feet without some kind of pain, and god forbid that I had to walk for more than a couple of minutes, because it would hurt so bad I would have to stop.  I know it's my fault for getting to that point, but the thing is that it was really, literally ruining my life.  Two vacations that would have been totally awesome came close to being totally ruined because of the pain. 

Mentally, it screws with you too.  You start feeling like a total asshole because your pals invite you to do stuff and you say no because in the back of your head there is a little voice telling you that you are just going to wind up being a burden and screwing up everyone elses good time.  And, you know, you know that its the weight and all the food that your pounding down doing it, but once you start feeling sorry for yourself, it's very, very hard to stop.

When I finally decided to stop being such a pussy, I started challenging myself physically in different ways.  One day, I decided to park further away.  The next to take my dog on a walk, the next to walk to the store, etc.  I knew I would have to push hard through the pain, but at a certain point I remember just realizing that the pain wasn't there anymore, or at least was entirely manageable.  This weekend, I did something that a year ago I would not have dreamed possible:  I went hunting.

I have really backslid the last two months, partly because I have been sick and partly because I have been lazy, and some of the strength and endurance I gained has been lost. Still, I walked a ton this weekend, some of it over rough terrain.  I didn't shoot anything, but I didn't care.  I was just happy to be outdoors, gun in hand, walking and stalking and feeling alive.  Oh, my back got stiff and in fact as I sit and write this it is still stiff, but the fact is I conquered a pretty big challenge this weekend without even really meaning too!

Motivation.

After starting this year motivated and having some good early success, I am having a really, really hard time getting back on the horse.  I feel like I am letting the side down more than a little bit, and I am having a hard time bucking some bad habits that I picked up in the two weeks before the challenge started, that were then reinforced as I spent the bulk of September sick and lazy as could be.  On the plus side, I walked my first 5k the other day, and training will resume Monday come hell or high water for the Turkey Trot in November, and beyond that for the 1/2 marathon in May.

I have to do this.  Not just to beat the challenge, not just for the people in my life that see me daily and offer up support, and not just for me.  A lot of it is for me though.  I need to prove to myself that I am still tough enough to accomplish difficult challenges.  I also feel like I need to reward those people supporting me by showing them that I care enough about what they have to say to listen and do my best to reward their support.  I want to be able to look back on this challenge and not marvel at the weight loss (which, in fairness, will be something to marvel at from my perspective) but to just have the feeling of satisfaction that I took on a tough challenge and whipped it's ass.

So, I am not reporting this from the standpoint that I am throwing a pity party for myself.  Far from that, in fact.  It's a roadblock, but I will find my way around it.  I made the challenge tougher over the long run, but certainly not unbeatable.  So, gym attendance resumes Monday.  Cardio (running and biking as my bike is at work now) resumes Monday.  Swearing off of sugar (which I haven't been going hog wild with, but have slipped up on) resumes right now.  Excuses stop now. 

One final note about motivation.  For me, it's a hard thing to come by.  Death, money, material rewards, pain, pleasure; none of it really motivates me over the long term.  Surprisingly, what does motivate me are little unexpected things.  A simple word from an otherwise distant co-worker.  A kind and unexpected message from a friend.  These little platitudes, given sincerely and without any particular thought ultimately mean more to me than anything else does.  More to the point, they motivate me more than anything else does, and past motivating me to lose weight, they have motivated me to be a little nicer to people.  Maybe I backslid on my weight loss goal this month, but I made progress as a person, and thats worth something too.

Still about 98% Barbarian though.

Comparison sucks...

So, by way of comparison, here is a video of me shooting sometime around November of 2010:

At this point, I weighed about 440 pounds, my back hurt constantly, I couldn't breathe worth a damn and life was generally miserable from a physical standpoint.

Here is a video of me shooting September 1, 2011:

Can you see the difference?  I can, and it is amazing to me!  My back feels 100% better, I can breathe, I can do things that even 6 months ago were impossible.  If nothing else motivates me, the lack of soul-destroying back pain and the difference I see in these videos will keep me going...

And so it begins...

For those of you unfamiliar with my challenge, it's basically this:  I weigh too much, and I want to lose some tonnage.  In fact, I have lost some, so far losing a net of 55 pounds since January.  That isn't enough, so I came up with the weight loss for Cancer challenge.  Basically, I am saying that I will lose 100 pounds by September 1st of 2012.  In return, I am asking people to pledge money (minimum $25.00, no maximum) that they will pay me if I complete the challenge by that date.  In return, I will take every single penny of that money and donate it to Livestrong.  I will be doing so in my Auntie Lee Counters name, not mine, as I am not doing it for any sort of recognition.  I just thought that since I am doing it for me anyway, I may as well see if I can do something for others.  Basically, that's the challenge, and it has started all ready.  I have donors in place (always looking for more), some friends lined up to help me train and to keep me motivated, and a pretty good idea of what I need to do to make this happen.

So far, not so good.  It's been hard getting back on the horse, but I am not overly worried, as I know what I need to do and how I am going to get there.

My beginning weight was 385.5 pounds.  With some effort and some good choices, Next September I will be at 285.5 pounds. 

Anyway, this is just the first post to get this blog active and going.  I plan to try and post at least once a week, and in keeping with the tradition of my beloved, but now basically defunct blog Wide World of Timbo, I am going to try and keep it light and funny and interesting!

Excelsior.