So, at the beginning of the year when I started dropping weight, one of the main reasons I did that was because my back hurt. Constantly. Not just "oh, my back is sore", but more like a "glowing hot barbed poker through my soul" kind of hurt. I was unable to walk more than just a few feet without some kind of pain, and god forbid that I had to walk for more than a couple of minutes, because it would hurt so bad I would have to stop. I know it's my fault for getting to that point, but the thing is that it was really, literally ruining my life. Two vacations that would have been totally awesome came close to being totally ruined because of the pain.
Mentally, it screws with you too. You start feeling like a total asshole because your pals invite you to do stuff and you say no because in the back of your head there is a little voice telling you that you are just going to wind up being a burden and screwing up everyone elses good time. And, you know, you know that its the weight and all the food that your pounding down doing it, but once you start feeling sorry for yourself, it's very, very hard to stop.
When I finally decided to stop being such a pussy, I started challenging myself physically in different ways. One day, I decided to park further away. The next to take my dog on a walk, the next to walk to the store, etc. I knew I would have to push hard through the pain, but at a certain point I remember just realizing that the pain wasn't there anymore, or at least was entirely manageable. This weekend, I did something that a year ago I would not have dreamed possible: I went hunting.
I have really backslid the last two months, partly because I have been sick and partly because I have been lazy, and some of the strength and endurance I gained has been lost. Still, I walked a ton this weekend, some of it over rough terrain. I didn't shoot anything, but I didn't care. I was just happy to be outdoors, gun in hand, walking and stalking and feeling alive. Oh, my back got stiff and in fact as I sit and write this it is still stiff, but the fact is I conquered a pretty big challenge this weekend without even really meaning too!
I understand a little bit of what you're going through. My hip was messed up for a long time thanks to the Army, and I had similar experiences. I also got fed up with myself one day and ran a mile and a half. I was no speed demon, certainly, but I proved to myself that it was better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
ReplyDeleteThis one act of defiance started me down the road to recovery, and I'm in the best shape of my life now. My hip still bothers be occasionally, especially if it's raining, but I'm 99.9% and glad I broke out of the cycle of self-defeatism.
Stay strong.